SINCE childhood, God has either asked me very specific questions or given me very specific messages. Around the age of 10 or 11 years-old, we were on a family trip. I remember resting my chin on my hands on the back of the front seat. As I was staring at the road ahead of us, God called to me by name, “Lynna, what if you were gay?” Where did this come from?! Why would He ask me that?! I was terrified. I had no idea why I would be asked this, and even more so, I knew I could NEVER tell anyone! Instantly, I started praying that God would take this from me. I prayed hard and constant for 2-3 days. Finally, it was lifted and I didn’t think much of that message…until this same question has returned again and again.
I believe that most people (including myself), during their lifetime put on layer after layer, mask after mask of ideals, preconceived notions, religious beliefs, abuse, and roles of what has always been socially acceptable. After time, those things accumulate, stick, and get woven into the very fibers of who we “think” we are. We lose our true self. We become unhappy and unfulfilled, because we are trying to live up to man’s standards. How can God work with pretense and falseness? He can’t. It requires us to truly dig into who we really are, what we truly believe and what rings true in each of us. It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s necessary, if we want truth. We are built with a knowing, a truth within us, that if we listen, we will always know the path forward. The path of our soul.
Another clear message that I’ve been receiving over and over, is that I must share my story. I feel like Jonah (in the Bible), who kept running away from the task that God had assigned to him, because he was afraid of how the people would respond. This is one of the most terrifying requests He’s given me, but maybe it’s to give air to my own lungs, flight to my wings…or maybe, it’s to be a voice for someone else who might feel alone in their journey. Either way, I must do the work He has given me. I feel very inadequate, but ready for what’s ahead.
I preach about speaking and living truth and loving and accepting who we are. How can I be that truth, if I can’t speak about it and share it? Be completely vulnerable? Loving and accepting myself has been the biggest struggle for me, but then I am reminded that God does not make mistakes. He is a very deliberate creator.
The struggle isn’t that I’m bisexual, the struggle is loving and accepting myself for how God created me.
The struggle isn’t how God created me, the struggle is shutting out all of the voices who tell me who I should or shouldn’t be.
The struggle isn’t about being whole and complete, the struggle is being told that there is something wrong with me.
The struggle isn’t that I am whole because of Christ, the struggle is in those that say you can’t be gay and be a Christian, a believer.
The struggle isn’t living as our true selves, the struggle is being rejected and judged by the very ones that sit next to us in the place of worship.
These last 3 years have been some of the hardest experiences for me, as I have had to tear down and burn away everything that I thought I was and what I believed. I have had to ask myself over and over, “Is this what I believe, or does this belief come from someone else?” I often wonder why this has all surfaced at this time in my life, but I have had so much love and support from my beloved, my family and friends. This is just a peek into my world. It doesn’t even begin to reveal the heartache, the grief, the joy, the terror, the anger, the love, the awe, the thankfulness, the truth, the tears, the laughter…Insert every emotion here _______________!!
I have learned so much in my 47 years, and I know I have so much more to learn. I long to share more of my story and how my awakening has affected my relationships, some of the ways I’ve coped and overcome, some of the ways I’ve healed from past experiences, how I’ve healed from the inside-out (literally)…and so many other things that I would hope might be helpful.
It is my biggest desire that I can be the light that Christ talked about; to help shine light on the hopeless, helpless souls who think there is something wrong with who they are. There is NOTHING wrong with you! Whatever it is that you think is abnormal or wrong with you, is the very thing that God will use to show to the world that you and I are miracles.
I am an open book and not afraid to share my heart. If you care to reach out to me, I would love to hear your story or answer any questions that you might have for me. I’m sure we have much to learn from each other.